A Strange Dichotomy

Disclaimer 1:  I know that 30 is not old. 
Disclaimer 2:  I'm probably crazy, so if this doesn't make sense, well...there you have it.

All my life growing up, I felt older than I was.  Precocious, maybe?  I just always felt more mature and less silly than a lot of my peers. 

I got a nice lesson on what it feels like to be young when I got married at 19 and became a mom at 20.  (It didn't help that I didn't look a day over 15.)

So that's where the dichotomy comes into play.  I feel both old and young at the same time.  And while I'm no longer a 20-year old mom, I think I will always feel that way.  I am especially reminded of this when I go to functions at Ben's school.  Chances are, I will always be the youngest mom in his class.  It doesn't necessarily bother me that it is this way.  I think being young has its advantages.  It is just so far opposite of how I'm used to feeling.

So here I am feeling like a paradoxically old, yet young mother. 

I clicked on the little "events" calendar on Facebook and it took me to a list of all of my friends' upcoming birthdays.  Most of the list had a helpful parenthetical after the name with the age they would be turning on that date (so I wouldn't have to do the math).  That's when I realized...most of my friends are turning 30, or are dang near close to it (or well beyond it). 

So that threw another wrinkle in my feelings, and I suddenly realized I'm *not* a 20-year old mom anymore.  I voiced this to Sam, along with the shock that befell me when I realized it is almost time for our 10 year high school reunions.  I said to him, "I'm almost 30!"

Then he made fun of me because I'm 26.

And that was pretty much the end of that conversation.

I still feel old and young at the same time...though I feel a shift towards the older side prevailing in the short run.  Especially the way I was sucking wind after my short run this afternoon.


CLewis said...

I hear ya!! Our 10 year reunion is this summer. At times high school feels miles away but then when I think 10 years it just doesn't seem possible. And I am feeling uncomfortably close to 30 myself at 28. I remember being younger and thinking I will always be young until I'm 30. The funny thing is I don't feel THAT old! Guess that's all that matters:)

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