Guilty McGuilterson

I thought the guilt would go away when I became a stay-at-home mom, whether I chose to stay home or not.

I thought that only work-out-of-the-home moms suffered from guilt.  Because it's ingrained in them that they should feel guilty. 

Well now I've been both places.  I've filled both roles.  And, therefore, I feel qualified to say this, whether it applies only to me and I need to deal with it, or it's something others struggle with too...

It's really easy to find things to feel guilty about, regardless of your day job.

When I was working, I felt guilty because:

~Society told me I was letting someone else raise my children.

~My kids caught more colds and viruses than their non-school-going playmates.

~I didn't give my job 100% because there was always a portion of my thoughts and heart that were on my family.

~There seemed to only be time to do the things I had to do instead of the things I wanted to do, whether with the kids or around the house.

~I wasn't interested in making play dates for my kids because I was downright exhausted by the time nights and weekends rolled around, and I wanted them all to myself.

Now that I'm home, I feel guilty because:

~The TV is on too much.

~Our time on the playground is limited because I'm a nervous wreck with Sarah's bloody history.
~I feel like it's indulgent to treat myself to a Sonic Happy Hour drink or DD coffee.

~Instead of being happy to spend time with my kids, at the end of the day, I just want them to go to sleep.  (This one is the worst.)

~I attend school activities for my oldest with two little sisters in tow, instead of being able to give him my undivided attention.
~I'm no longer contributing, financially, to the family pot.

~I feel like I get to do things I want to do, while my husband is at work doing things he has to do.

~I'm still not a good cook, and I feel like if I get to stay home and play all day, I should at least come up with a decent meal for our bread-winner.

~I'm still downright exhausted by the time nights and weekends roll around.  Probably even more so than when I was working.

And here I thought having an experience at home would make it crystal clear as to which was right for me, and what God was calling me to do.

I was wrong.

What I do know is that this kind of guilt, the kind that doesn't come from immoral actions on my part, just needs to go on.  It's a mindset, and I'm letting the guilt win.

Any tips on that?  I'd be so very grateful.

There are things I miss about working - like the lunchtime workouts, unencumbered by an audience of little girls, the adult conversation, the chance to advance my career and use my college degree, the opportunity to become a competent engineer, and the freedom to buy a cup of coffee without feeling bad about it.  (Yeah, I guess I'm superficial.)

But now that I've tasted the fruit of stay-at-home mom-dom, there are things I will miss if I should go back to work - like the freedom to go to the library on a whim, being able to take a shower and immediately put comfy clothes (aka pj's) right back on, the squeeze-your-guts-out bear hugs I get all throughout the day, and the moments that I can't describe with words, but that melt my heart.

So there you have it.  What "it" is, I'm not sure.  I guess it's just transparency.  It's a confession that I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know where I'm going, but I know this is part of my plan, and one day that will be obvious.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Field Day for my precious first grader accompanied by two rambunctious girls.  But I'm going to pause for a few more minutes while Abby gives me a spontaneous back-scratch with a Mr. Potato Head arm, which she has clever dubbed "The Handy Helper".  That I could get used to...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.  Proverbs 3:5

P.S. - I'm going to do Mom Things this week (for my own personal benefit), just obviously not on Wednesday...and probably not on Thursday either.  Just to keep you interested  - here's a little preview of what's to come.