I don't know what I am

I got a letter in the mail the other day.  At first it made me chuckle, and then it made me a little sad. 

But first, a bit of a preface...

This time last year, I was consumed with the impending Professional Engineer exam.  You may remember.  Aside from working 40 hours a week, doing all the normal work involved in raising three children, and attending a 2-day-a-week boot camp, I was waking up at 4am to study for the exam before I started my day. 

I got by with a little help from my friend.  

October 29th rolled around and I sat for six of the most mentally exhausting hours I can remember in my well-examined life.  Less than one month later, I was laid off from my job of five years, a realization that was as painful for me as it was for my boss. 

Just after the New Year, I got a thin envelope from the testing company.  In two short, but oh-so-sweet words, I passed.  The irony was so thick it almost dripped out of the envelope.  All that I'd worked for in my past five years of the "real world" and the prior four years of engineering school had finally come to fruition.  I had attained my license as a professional engineer.

And I didn't even have a job.

Fast forward to now. 

I walked back from the mailbox with a letter in my hand from the Georgia Society of Professional Engineers addressed to my whole formal name, complete with my PE license number, inviting me to a dinner and reception in honor of the new professional engineers from the October 2010 and April 2011 exams. 

I'm not sure why it startled me.  But it did.  Here I am, nearly a year later, feeling as though that was a lifetime ago.  And, honestly, I don't know what I am these days.

Whenever I have time to kill (aka - the breather I catch from a 25 minute episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse), I sit down to fill out internet surveys in exchange for swagbucks so I can trade those in for $5 Amazon.com giftcards.  This is how I "earn my keep".  If I don't make a salary, I can at least earn $5 Amazon cards, right?  (So silly/ridiculous/unnecessary, but this is how my mind works.) 

On almost every one of those surveys, it asks my employment status - full-time at home, full-time out of the home, part-time at home, part-time out of the home, self-employed, full-time homemaker, currently unemployed, retired.

I never know what to pick.  Am I a homemaker?  Or am I unemployed?  At this point, I have settled into my role at home, but I still think of myself as unemployed because had I not been laid off, I would absolutely still be working.  I haven't given up on going back to work, but I am also a realist who knows that civil/environmental engineering jobs are not exactly plentiful in central Georgia at this time.  On top of that, we are now having little Shep #4 in March, so I have a desire to put the hardcore job search off until then, especially if I pursue teaching. 

I don't know what I am.  And when I stop to think about it, this is incredibly frustrating for me.  I have always liked to put people in boxes and categories.  And I don't seem to fit into one right now. 

I've always had an all-or-nothing perspective on life and accomplishments.  Maybe it's time for a paradigm shift.  I can't expect myself to be everything to everyone all of the time.  What I need is to be who I can be, as best as I can be, with no excuses.  And if I do that, who cares what box I fit into? 

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.  Colossians 3:23

P.S. - It might not hurt to wake up and say to myself, "You is kind.  You is smart.  You is important."  Who's with me?

Guilty McGuilterson

I thought the guilt would go away when I became a stay-at-home mom, whether I chose to stay home or not.

I thought that only work-out-of-the-home moms suffered from guilt.  Because it's ingrained in them that they should feel guilty. 

Well now I've been both places.  I've filled both roles.  And, therefore, I feel qualified to say this, whether it applies only to me and I need to deal with it, or it's something others struggle with too...

It's really easy to find things to feel guilty about, regardless of your day job.

When I was working, I felt guilty because:

~Society told me I was letting someone else raise my children.

~My kids caught more colds and viruses than their non-school-going playmates.

~I didn't give my job 100% because there was always a portion of my thoughts and heart that were on my family.

~There seemed to only be time to do the things I had to do instead of the things I wanted to do, whether with the kids or around the house.

~I wasn't interested in making play dates for my kids because I was downright exhausted by the time nights and weekends rolled around, and I wanted them all to myself.

Now that I'm home, I feel guilty because:

~The TV is on too much.

~Our time on the playground is limited because I'm a nervous wreck with Sarah's bloody history.
~I feel like it's indulgent to treat myself to a Sonic Happy Hour drink or DD coffee.

~Instead of being happy to spend time with my kids, at the end of the day, I just want them to go to sleep.  (This one is the worst.)

~I attend school activities for my oldest with two little sisters in tow, instead of being able to give him my undivided attention.
~I'm no longer contributing, financially, to the family pot.

~I feel like I get to do things I want to do, while my husband is at work doing things he has to do.

~I'm still not a good cook, and I feel like if I get to stay home and play all day, I should at least come up with a decent meal for our bread-winner.

~I'm still downright exhausted by the time nights and weekends roll around.  Probably even more so than when I was working.

And here I thought having an experience at home would make it crystal clear as to which was right for me, and what God was calling me to do.

I was wrong.

What I do know is that this kind of guilt, the kind that doesn't come from immoral actions on my part, just needs to go on.  It's a mindset, and I'm letting the guilt win.

Any tips on that?  I'd be so very grateful.

There are things I miss about working - like the lunchtime workouts, unencumbered by an audience of little girls, the adult conversation, the chance to advance my career and use my college degree, the opportunity to become a competent engineer, and the freedom to buy a cup of coffee without feeling bad about it.  (Yeah, I guess I'm superficial.)

But now that I've tasted the fruit of stay-at-home mom-dom, there are things I will miss if I should go back to work - like the freedom to go to the library on a whim, being able to take a shower and immediately put comfy clothes (aka pj's) right back on, the squeeze-your-guts-out bear hugs I get all throughout the day, and the moments that I can't describe with words, but that melt my heart.

So there you have it.  What "it" is, I'm not sure.  I guess it's just transparency.  It's a confession that I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know where I'm going, but I know this is part of my plan, and one day that will be obvious.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Field Day for my precious first grader accompanied by two rambunctious girls.  But I'm going to pause for a few more minutes while Abby gives me a spontaneous back-scratch with a Mr. Potato Head arm, which she has clever dubbed "The Handy Helper".  That I could get used to...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.  Proverbs 3:5

P.S. - I'm going to do Mom Things this week (for my own personal benefit), just obviously not on Wednesday...and probably not on Thursday either.  Just to keep you interested  - here's a little preview of what's to come.

Because no matter how hard or often I beat that horse...

...it just won't die.

Wait.  That's not the expression is it?

Okay, so I'm not killing horses.  (That's weird and not very nice...even if I'm not a big fan of them.)  What I am doing is going back to that pesky work-out-of-the-home mom (WOHM) topic.  It's on my mind again.  Just when I come to peace with the fact that I don't owe anyone an explanation about my choice to work outside of the home, something (or someone) else pokes at me with a big, fat meanie stick and it all comes rushing to the forefront again.

I grew up in the Mid-Atlantic as a child of the 80's and 90's.  I would venture to say that out of my core group of friends, half of the moms worked outside of the home and half of them stayed home.  It never occurred to me to care about it one way or the other.  My friends were all awesome, mostly well-adjusted, equally quirky, and responsible kids.  Clearly, whether or not their moms worked at a job other than homemaker wasn't an issue to me.  It just didn't seem like a hot-button topic at the time.  Or if it was, my mom surely never let on.  She stayed home with my sister and me, but I don't remember her saying derogatory things about the moms who didn't or maybe couldn't.

Fast forward to now.

I live in the South.  I don't know actual statistics, but I can tell you that it feels like I am the only work-out-of-the-home mom I know.  Surely that is not the case, as my children attend a wonderful, amazing, loving childcare center full of kids.  They can't all be from single-fathers, can they?  I feel alone in my situation most of the time.  The woman I work with (in my male dominated field) is childless, the majority of my friends are childless or stay-at-home moms, and my sister and mother are also in that latter category.  I have an excellent online support group, and I love them dearly for helping me feel normal.  But sometimes, I just don't feel normal here.

[Please wait while I look up said actual statistics.  Due diligence and all.]

My findings (for the U.S.):

72% of moms with children over 1 year old work (about the same as childless women) , vs. 39% in 1976

55% of moms with a child under 1 year old work, vs. 31% in 1976 [source: Happy Worker]

Obviously I was unable to find any specific geographical demographics.  I presume those would have been significantly more enlightening.

I can't speak for anyone but myself.  Despite what others may think, this applies to everyone.  I cannot condemn another family's choices because I have not spent a single moment in their shoes.  I expect the same consideration in return, but I have to tell you, there is a vicious paradigm about this WOHM thing.  People assume a lot of things about me because I work.  Here's a list of some of the most common stigmas attached to work-out-of-the-home moms:

• I am letting someone else raise my kids.
• I work, primarily, so we can have luxuries like a fancy wardrobe, car, and house.
• I am not cut out to be a mom, so I pass them off during the day and live my own life.
• My children must be little discipline-lacking demons as a result of my almost complete absence as a parent.
• I work because we are so deeply in debt that I have no other choice.
• I spend little to no quality time with my children because my days are full of work and my nights are full of chores.
• My children will grow up to be miserable and self-loathing because I put my career ahead of them.

I'm here to tell you those things are all true.

Phew.  

It feels better getting that off my chest.

If it's not obvious that I'm kidding - 

I'm not going to go through those point for point and try to dissuade anyone from thinking such things.  It's a little thing called "your prerogative" (and plus, I've already kind of done that here).  Consider this post my own personal, virtual therapy session, and you've [strangely] been invited to watch it unfold.  

At the end of the day, I am happy with my decision to work.  I feel that I am doing what I was called to do.  I love my kids with all my heart and I know they know it (even when I call them nerds).  I am completely at peace with their caregivers.  I look forward to the evenings when I can go home and play with them and listen to them say off the wall things and read them their bedtime stories, even if it means extra laundry and a sink full of dishes for another day.  We don't live an extravagant lifestyle and wouldn't even if we could, because that's not what we want for our kids.  I am doing the best I can.  I think most of us are.  It's called parenting.

The thing I have to ask myself when I feel that big, mean stick prodding at me is this:

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.  Galatians 1:10

Then suddenly, I am at peace again.

And isn't it so appropriate that this song just came on the radio?  I think these will be my parting words.

So let's leave it alone, 'cause we can't see eye to eye.

There ain't no good guys, there ain't no bad guys.

There's only you and me and we just disagree.

Today (though perhaps not the best blog post with which to take this leap for the first time - I'm probably alienating readers before they even start!), I am linking up with:

Maybe later I'll break my own personal blogging rule and post twice in one day with a Flashback.  But I just couldn't not write about this today.  Thanks so much for letting me let it out.  If this is your first time stopping by, please come back.  I'm not usually so grumpy!