Last Friday, the day of the thirty-second turned three-hour task, I got angry at my kids.
For wanting to eat breakfast.
I struggle every day with selfishness, pride, entitlement, and jealousy (even though wisdom that comes with age has helped me to grow up and get over this one to some extent).
I raise my voice. A lot. Then I feel guilty. Especially when it makes Noah cry. Then I feel like the worst mom ever.
I am quick to judge, slow to love, very quick to anger, and even slower to forgive..especially myself.
Transparency is important to me. I have no claims to perfection. I am so very far from perfect. I think if you know me in real life, you are 100% aware of this. Because, well, it's obvious.
One of my vices is the internet. I feel captive to it. It's really kind of embarrassing to say it that way. I'm enslaved by what is going on inside my computer. True story. I'm aware of it and I'm taking strides to wean myself off the addiction. But the truth is, I mostly want to be rid of the misrepresentation.
I am so quick to jump to conclusions when I read things on the internet. If I stop by someone's blog or read an editorial or a tweet or a status update, it takes about five seconds for me to assume that I know everything there is to know and to draw conclusions and make diagnoses from a mere snapshot of that person's life and experiences.
Maybe I'm the only one who does this.
It's probably my insecurity showing, but I end up second guessing my entire life because of innocuous Facebook posts about kids reading at age three or potty-training at 18 months or winning Olympic gold medals and what have you. We weren't meant to do this to ourselves. We were created so wonderfully unique. Why do we always think we have to fit into someone else's mold?
When I post a status update or blog or share an article, I am giving a small snapshot of myself. It doesn't represent the big picture. I feel like if I share successes or victories (large or small), I'm bragging. If I share struggles or difficulties, I'm admitting failure. If I ask for prayer, I'm being self-serving. If I laugh at the expense of my kids, I'm being defamatory. These things, of course, are not true, but I can see where others might view them in this light. Because that's what I do.
I can attempt to be transparent all day, but at the end of it, I've still only provided a snapshot. I don't want to misrepresent myself. Who I am cannot be described in 144 characters, even several times a day. As much as it pains this introvert to say it, what I need, what I crave, are friends with whom I can be completely honest about my shortcomings and my successes. Friends who care to know the good, the bad, and the ugly. Instead, what I find I mostly have are Facebook interactions with people who haven't seen me in twelve years and with whom the only communication I've had is one of heated tone over what I thought was a fairly un-debate-worthy Facebook share. How that happens, I don't even know.
So what is the solution? Grow thicker skin? Turn off the computer? Unfriend people I haven't seen face to face within the past couple of years? Get over myself? I don't know, probably all of the above.
I just don't want to spend my life misrepresented and misunderstood. I think the only remedy for this is good, old-fashioned face time. And not the app. Real, live people. Over coffee and chocolate. I've got the good stuff. Come on over.
Do you struggle with any of this? What do you do? And please ignore the irony of me seeking wisdom from my internet friends.
A BREAK IN THE ACTION
6 months ago