Passive Parenting and the Battle for Our Children's Hearts

I'm not old.  Despite what Abby says, pushing forty is not old.  (I promise, younger moms, I am not old.)  That said, I do find myself feeling...a little more tired day by day.  Things are getting to me that didn't used to, or at least didn't used to as much.  I am old enough that I've seen a lot of change in my lifetime, and even a lot of change in my nearly-twenty years as a parent.  (Okay, maybe I am old.)

I am definitely old enough to have seen a clear and obvious shift in parenting.  

Timeout.  (Here's where I give a few disclaimers.  But not as many as I used to, because, personal growth in the "fear of man" department.)  

My personal parenting philosophy is "I'm winging it" and "don't be jerks."  I am not an expert or guru.  I have made every mistake known to man.  My children are not perfect.  They, too, are sinners.  I think that might be hereditary.  I am not writing this post fishing for compliments or as an invitation for anyone to air my dirty laundry about the times my children and I were just flat out awful.  (I really prefer not to think about how many examples there are.)  I do not pretend to think there is a one-size-fits-all model, unless you've searched the Word and come to a conclusion based on it, and even then implementation probably looks different household to household.  

That said, friends, peers, we need to have a talk.  I want a peaceful, pleasant home life for you all.  I want you to put the work in to make life more enjoyable.  I want you to raise well-rounded, respectful ruckus-makers.  This comes from a place of concern.  

I'm not exactly sure when we collectively decided that all authority is bad and must be challenged...unless that authority comes in the form of a tiny tyrant we birthed ourselves.  Then, by all means, we must bow and cower to their every demand.  I am further lost as to when we decided that discipline and the doling out of consequences is somehow an inferior option to stooping down to to their level, plastering on a smile, and telling them how good they are and how you trust they won't do it again.  (Facts: They aren't. And they will.)  

Gentle parenting has emerged as the trendy parenting style, it seems.  I don't really know much about these things other than to overhear a buzzword and to observe the fruits of the collective labor from various vantage points in my everyday life.  I think the the idea behind this trend is great.  Gentleness is a fruit of the Spirit, after all!  It's frequently misunderstood, a lot like meekness.  Gentleness is amazing, but it's not to be confused with weakness at all.  Meekness is controlled power to be used beneficially.  It does not retaliate and is patient when wronged.  Gentleness, likewise, corrects without harshness.  Unfortunately, what I am seeing is not gentleness, but passivity.  Being passive is accepting or allowing what others do without active response or resistance, under the guise of "gentleness."  

If you are a Bible believer, you understand that we are all born in sin.  Our hearts are deceitful above all else.  Until we accept the free gift of salvation and our hearts are regenerated, we are lost in our sins, serving ourselves above others.  It is pretty clear that this is the condition of young children.  Think about the ironic shrieking of "They have to SHARE!!!!" as a child demands that someone else give up a toy they are actively playing with so that they, the shrieker, can have it.  That's not how this works.  The demand that someone yield to your authority as the louder child who wants something is the elevation of oneself above another.  It's not cute, funny, or age-appropriate for children to act a fool, willfully disobey their parents and teachers, or show physical aggression out of frustration for, I mean, who knows what.  I'm sorry (am I?), but it needs to be called out and addressed.

We need to teach our children (for starters):

Respect: For their parents, teachers, peers, and themselves.

"Maybe you don't like what I am telling you, but you may not hide under the table while we're having this chat."

"It is not okay to make barfing sounds while your teacher is talking."

"Pushing to the front of the line and crying because you want to be line-leader is a great way not to get to have that fun job."

"Learning to express yourself is challenging, but pitching a fit is something we need to not do, in public or in private."

Personal Responsibility: To accept when they have done wrong.

"I understand that Suzie called you a cotton-headed ninny-muggins, but throwing a chair at her was not an acceptable response and that's on you.  Check on her and apologize."

As parents we aren't fighting against a sweet, innocent child.  We are fighting against an unregenerate heart that needs to be pointed to Jesus, a person made in the image of God lost in sin.  We are literally competing against Satan for the hearts of our children.  If you think the enemy isn't crouched at the ear of our children repeating, "Do you really need to listen to you parents?" I think you're kidding yourself.  

A useful bit of advice I always hear and have probably doled out is "You have to pick your battles."  That's worthy counsel, but "picking your battles" inherently suggests that you are, in fact, choosing some battles to fight, not surrendering them all.  I know you're tired!  Me too.  Sometimes, you have dig deep.  Your "battles" may be different day to day and child to child, but you are the authority in your home.  You have been given this job as as gift from God to lead and teach these children well.  You can't do that from the sideline.  You can't do that with your hands tied behind your back.  And you can't do that when you've handed the reins over to your children.  

When I was a child myself, a friend of mine shared with me a little nugget that someone (maybe her grandmother) used to tell her all of the time.  It was:

The earth has an axis, and it's not you.

That might be a great lesson to start with for all of us.  On the front end it sounds a little harsh, maybe.  But let it sink in.  Our message to our children has been quite the opposite.  They are the center of our universe, the apple of our eye, the most amazing and perfect creatures that ever graced humanity.  And to you, they may seem like exactly those things.  I would caution you about creating little gods.  I love my children.  I think they're awesome.  I also think they ought to be taught that they aren't perfect, that we should put others first, and that we should respect people of authority.  If we disagree with the authorities, it is possible to do so respectfully and effectually.  

If you are a parent who desperately longs for bedtime because there is no peace in your home, your children have taken control, and you wish they would go to sleep because you don't even enjoy their company, I might consider whether you've allowed passivity to enter into your parenting.  I don't mean for this to sound like judgment.  Discipline and consequences are not inherently negative.  They might be unpleasant for a short while for both the administrator and recipient, but that short unpleasantness totally and completely outweighs a lifetime of strife and weariness.  Good results require hard work.  Hard work is usually worth it.  It is a guarantee?  No.  But wouldn't you rather risk a good result than a guaranteed bad one?  

Chaos is not what God wants for our homes and our families.  We live in an ordered world, designed by the ultimate authority who tells us that discipline is love. 

And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son." Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace; for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:5-11

Our children respect our discipline.  They need it.  

Things I truly believe our children will look back on retrospectively and be grateful for:

Being taught to show respect.

Being told no.

Having boundaries.

Being given privileges after they've proven themselves trustworthy.

Being given consequences when trust was broken.

Having parents with the fortitude to know better and act on knowing better when they were too young to understand.

Start simply, but be bold.  "Let your no be no and your yes be yes."

If you don't require your children to respect you, how can you expect them to respect any, single other authority in the world.  Teachers shouldn't have to handle undisciplined children.  Volunteers at church, coaches, substitute teachers, and grandparents shouldn't have to either.  We are manufacturing a generation of tyrants.  It doesn't have to be this way. 

If you desire to parent gently, I encourage you to, but I caution you to guard against passivity.  I would also encourage you, as you teach your children to express their feelings, to understand that there are consequences to actions and they are not always pleasant.  Whatever form of parenting you subscribe to, understand that there are generational ramifications.  How you train your children this very day will affect how they interact with the world - their immediate families, their teachers and classmates, their futures spouses and employers, their children (your grandchildren), and, not being hyperbolic at all, the world at large.  This is the long game, a marathon with a million little sprints along the way.  It's exhausting, but a privilege.  We were chosen for this job to guide these little people.  I know you're up for the challenge.  Pray for guidance and fortitude.  Be strong!  Be the leaders of your family.  I so greatly desire peace for your households.

Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire. Proverbs 29:17

Not that anyone asked...