A Bit of a Brat

You might imagine that my college experience was significantly different from most, considering I got married my sophomore year and had a baby during what would have been the first semester of my junior year, had I not taken it off to, you know, well, have a baby.  School started back in the middle of August as it always does, and I found myself at home, sitting around and waiting for the kid to show.  Okay, actually I didn't do a lot of sitting.  Between the start of school and Ben's arrival, we moved from an apartment to our first home, so I was totally distracted with packing and unpacking.  Plus, my mother was there to help and wait for the baby with me.  And that, in and of itself, is an entirely different kind of distraction altogether.  (Love you, Mom!)  Anyway, I delivered Ben, the house was mostly together, my mom went home, and the dust began to settle.  It was just the three of us.  It was business as usual for Sam, who went off to class and work everyday.  And there I was.  At home.  With a colicky baby. 

While the rest of the world went on without me.

That's really what I thought.  I was in a pretty dark place. 

I love the luxury of retrospect.  I can look back on those times now and realize that I was so young, and so immature and inexperienced.  I was constantly stressed out.  Every single thing about being a wife and mother was so new to me, and I had to learn the hard way how to do both of them, which is to say I screwed up most days and did my best not to repeat the same mistakes the next.  I was more concerned about school and the classes I was missing than I was about being a good mother, simply because it wasn't exactly the way I envisioned things turning out.  In a word, I was a brat.  But, I'm able to look back on those days and use them as a learning experience. 

At least, that's what you would think. 

After I had graduated college, was established in my job, and found a church home, I remember lamenting the fact that I was unable to attend the ladies Bible study that took place on Thursday mornings.  I love a good Bible study, and nearly as important, I needed that sense of community.  I seemed to have that familiar feeling that something major was going on, and I was the only one in the world missing out on it.  I even planned to propose an alternative schedule to my boss so that I could take Thursday mornings off and make up the time elsewhere.  I never did, as it turns out, because I was laid off in November 2010, and the silver lining in all of it was that I could finally attend Thursday morning Bible study. 

Honestly, it was everything I dreamed of and more.  Close friendships, digging into the Word, challenging myself.

Then, Sam and I had this hairbrained idea to start homeschooling.  And I made this stupid Pro/Con list, absolutely sure that the Cons would win out, because it was the only thing that made sense at the time.  What do you suppose was right there at the top of the Con list?  No more Bible Study.

Obsessed much?

To make an already long story a little shorter, I attempted to have my Bible study cake and eat it too, and ultimately it didn't work out.  Turns out, homeschooling and attending a Thursday morning Bible study with no options for school aged children don't exactly mesh.  Having started the study this spring and knowing that today was the last session, I sincerely got my hopes up that I might be able to attend one more time, but came up short on finding someone to keep my 7 and 10 year old for the three hours, and so I started the day out disappointed and cranky.  Why?  Because, well, I'm still a brat.

You see, things don't always turn out the way I plan.  And while I have retrospect to teach me that God's plans are always better than my own, I still have a tendency to forget.  I'm an Israelite.  That's really all there is to it.

So maybe this is just a season where I "don't get to go to Bible study," but I have to trust that God's plan for me is bigger than the Thursday morning Bible studies I miss out on.  And I believe it is.

 

I think it's high time I stop being a brat.