But sometimes, those worst case scenarios actually happen. And I sigh and say, "See. Told you. The whole world is stupid. Now leave me alone so I can cry in the shower."
I will admit that crying in the shower doesn't do much actual good. But patterns bear repeating. Hot showers and tears are as cathartic as a cup of coffee and a bag of Twizzlers. Because eating when you're sad or stressed is totally healthy too.
I waver between caring way too much about everything and throwing my hands up in the air and saying to heck with it all. I can't decide whether to educate myself more or bury my head in the sand and pretend I'm an ostrich. I think, "But one person can make a huge difference in this world." Then I turn in an instant and wonder, "But honestly, what can one person really do?" My mind is a jumbled mess of incoherent trains of thought and then, suddenly (and usually briefly), moments of clarity.
And he said to them, "Why are you afraid? O you of little faith!" Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea and there was a great calm. -Matthew 8:26That's me. The one of little faith.
Why am I fearful? Because I make it about me. I think I'm the one who has to control everything. Spoiler alert: It's not about me.
Instead of fretting and worrying and agonizing, I need to trust that the God of the universe who numbered and named each star, who feeds and shelters the sparrows, who knows how many hairs are on my head, can calm any storm. I need to remember that while many things that happen in this life surprise me, nothing surprises God. He saw it coming. And he already has a plan to make it work for his good.
God can take ugly and make it beautiful. He can take evil and work it for good. He can. I don't have to. At least, I certainly don't have to alone. I don't have to serve him up optimal conditions or circumstances. He can work with bad. That's frequently his specialty. And it turns out so good.
I often console myself with the words, "It's going to be okay." That's my human nature talking. Ultimately? It's all going to be better than okay.
Some days are hard. That's life.
Tomorrow, I pick up my pieces, brush myself off, and give it my best shot. I'm just one person, but I can be the best Jennie I'm able to be. I will trust God with details beyond my control. Thankful for those fresh mercies every morning and a life verse to keep me motivated.
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters. Colossians 3:23But seriously. It's going to be okay.